Worst Professor Ever

Being thirtysomething and living in my parents’ basement (albeit temporarily) isn’t a terribly cool lifestyle. Trying to learn about software development isn’t helping.

But, as Facebook reminds me, my high school self had quite a lot of geek in her. And my love of Family Guy puts me squarely in the teenage boy demographic anyway. So I guess I’m equipped to deal with doing nerdly stuff in my parents’ basement for a little while. Let’s call it cyberpunk and hope there’s no acne involved.

As you can see from the picture, the decor is comprised of exercise equipment. The elliptical trainer is just a shade too small. When I use it my knees bang into the struts and my head smacks into the ceiling. Same when I try to do my arm weights — I can’t quite lift them over my head without hitting that damned ceiling.

Herodotus (dead Greek historian) tells a story about the tyrant Thrasybulos. When asked to give advice about the best way to govern, Thrasybulos says nothing. He simply walks through a wheat field, cutting down the tallest and best sheaves — a parable, as we learn, for killing the citizens that stand out the most. A typically tyrannical approach to government, at least in the Greek mind. (Parables, by the way, appear in all sorts of ancient texts — Greek, Roman, Rabbinical, Biblical — probably because they’re a good teaching method).

These days we don’t have to worry much about tyrants cutting off people’s heads (in America, anyway). But despite its obvious benefits, democracy does have a tendency to favor the mediocre (hello, “American Idol”) and standing out in a crowd will most often get you squashed. In the Midwest they’ve taken that one step further. Here, it’s good manners to squash yourself, the idea being that you shouldn’t bother trying overreach.

Which reminds me of another story, this one from Russell Brand’s autobiography. In rehab, Brand recounts, there was a fella named Steve. Steve was a hulking individual anyway, but he’d also covered himself with Satanic tattoos. Brand suspected that Steve, realizing that he didn’t fit in anyway, just gave up and said to hell with trying.

I had already started to feel that way in the Ivory Tower. I just couldn’t fit in, no matter how hard I tried. So eventually I just stopped trying.

Same here. As much as I love Midwestern reliability, I just don’t fit in. I’m tired of banging my head against the basement ceiling. If I’m starting over, I need to at least try for something bigger and better. Which is why I have to leave. As soon as possible.

Tags: excercise, facebook, family guy, fitness, fitting in, Herodotus, Midwest, My Booky Wook, Periander, Russell Brand, Thrasybulos