N.B. Non-classicists: I apologize for the stupid ‘in’ jokes. Classicists: this time it’s personal.
I sense a disturbance in The Force today…
If Classics were a person, it would totally cut off your hand to teach you a lesson. Preferably while lecturing you about rigorous philology -- quick, Luke, amor filii, is that an objective or subjective genitive? Mwahahahahahah!
Oh, yes, that’s it: droves of classicists descending upon a city not too far away.
People often ask if professoring would have been tolerable if I hadn’t been in Classics. I think not, but I know why they’re asking; Classics is, to use the astute observation of a friend in another department, ‘the bitchiest discipline there is’.
Now, don’t get me wrong, the rigors of Classics (3-5 languages, easy, if you’re a PhD) have their place. Classicists get Jesuit on analytical argument, performing research-fu on evidence both textual and archaeological. Classics undergraduates are some of the weirdest, smartest kids out there, and boy do they love their stuff.
All the more painful, then, that pursuing the dream turns them to the Dark Side. Rigor becomes the excuse for sadistic behavior, transforming elves into orcs, and memorization of trivia serves as the gatekeeping mechanism for entry into ‘serious’ classicism. Why? Because the 19th-century Germans did it that way – duh. If you don’t know that, why are you, like, even in this discipline? (See, I was using deviant focalization right there, just like Vergil or Green Day.)
Classicists don’t play well with others, either. If you tell them you’re doing literary analysis, government, poly sci, poetry, data analysis, whatever, they’re most likely thinking ‘Well, so am I — in two dead languages, sirrah!’ True, perhaps, but an unhelpful attitude for those wishing to make friends with money.
At any rate, I thought it might be a good idea to give the poor residents of San Antone a heads-up.
1. A Field Guide to Classicists
Spotting a Classicist is easy — just look for the pale skin and fearful expression. Given the climate, expect a great deal of ecru-colored linen, the less fitted the better.
(On that sartorial note, I have to share this with you: I once went ‘under cover’ at a Classics conference by wearing a whisper-light cashmere dress, suede moon boots, and a quilted satin jacket in a magnificent raspberry hue that made one of my students to call it a ‘pimp coat’. Even classicists who’d met me before didn’t recognize me.)
It’s harder to identify which type of classicist you have on your hands, mostly because academics suck at branding. Scholars who specialize in Greek are called Hellenists – isn’t that annoying? Romanists study Rome, so that’s OK (unless they’re called Latinists, which they sometimes are). These people as a group are also called philologists — look, I didn’t make up that name, so don’t blame me.
Then there are archaeologists. Everybody hates them because they’ve got the whole Indiana Jones thing going for them, even if it’s not true. (It’s not. I’ve been on a dig, and while it’s sexy in a summer-camp-for-adults kinda way, you’re definitely not running from natives or discovering idols.)
2. Talking to Classicists
When someone tells you they ‘do Classics’ do not, under any circumstances, mention how much you love Charles Dickens and Jane Austen. Yes, I know, that’s what comes up when you Google ‘Classics’ and by Wikiality we’ve lost the title. But no, we’re talking ancient history and literature.
Classicists tend to be awkward but that’s not entirely their fault: telling someone you’re a classicist is a fantastic way to kill a conversation. ‘Teaching Latin’ isn’t something most people can relate to, either, and after scrupulous testing, I am confident that ‘translating ancient Greek’ is the unsexiest thing you can say to anyone.1
It’s easiest if you just ask them what they ‘work on’ and nod with feigned interest as they give their interminably long answer.
3. Getting Rid of Classicists
If you use the above technique, you might appear easy to talk to and find it difficult to get out of the conversation you’ve started. If you just can’t shake that classicist, shout ‘OMG, is that WILAMOWITZ?!?’ really loudly. (He’s the dude who drove Nietzsche out of Classics, and he’s a real bastard.)
4. Reasoning With Classicists
Just won’t happen. Tried it many times. What can you do with a discipline that can’t learn its own lessons? Like, oh maybe, the fact that Alcibiades’ charisma worked better than any oratory, or that Augustus was using PR before it was cool?
Unfortunately, these potential selling points lose out to ‘classier’ arguments. You know, ‘basis of Western culture/foundation of a good education’ kind of crap. For the last two hundred years, the general philosophy has been to hold out the sexy stuff as a sort of carrot: ‘Now, Timmy, if you’ve memorized Cicero’s mind-numbingly boring treatise on public office, then maybe we’ll read the one where he calls Clodia a low-down, dirty street ho.’2
(In case you hadn’t already figured it out, I have a ho-first mentality: suck ‘em in with witty conversation, then take their money. See, I learned something from all those stupid Latin plays I studied.)
5. Drinking With Classicists
It’s urban legend that hospitality circles have designated the APA (that’s American Philological Association, ugh) convention as ‘high alcohol, low breakage’. That’s very true. Classicists may be totally trashed but they’re polite enough not to break things. Especially since they’re still discussing obscure Thracian inscriptions, albeit in slurred manner. My advice is, get sufficiently drunk to find this amusing if not actually interesting. And don’t try to outdrink them. Sure, they look mild-mannered, but consider how many brain cells they have — it’s hard work to destroy all of them!
I hope this guide will be helpful for those trying to bridge the gap. Now it’s back to my own work, prostituting my knowledge like the meretrix3 I am.
[1] Unless they also translate Greek. Which isn’t a good thing, trust me. Those who study Greek verse are, unfortunately, about as bubbleheaded as any comic professorial stereotype might suggest; tragedy attracts complete sickos; and the warrior-heroes of epic poetry tend to attract men struggling with their own masculinity.
[2] He really does. It’s all in the Pro Caelio.
[3] ‘High class ho’ as in, can quote Demosthenes and only works for serious bling.
Here’s a question: If someone says they are a classicist, reads this, and gets angry, are they really a classicist if they deign to read something not in an unread academic journal littered with medieval psychoanalysis?
If you’re ever in Pittsburgh, you should come rant at my Western Civ students. Also, Clodia was such a trollop.
Well, there is no such thing as “medieval psychoanalysis.” ????????????
Depends on your viewpoint, I think…I would have said that there no such thing as ancient communism until I started translating Aristophanes ‘Women In Congress’, and whoomp there it was. A rose by any other name…
Good question, but to quote Strangers With Candy, ‘You’re a virgin as long as you pretend to act like one.’ So I guess you’re a classicist for the same reasons, and don’t admit you’re reading this site.
I’ll let you know if my speaking tour reaches Pittsburgh, as I have started to miss ranting at students — though not grading! And Clodia got a bad rap, man, talk about a one-sided story…
When I meet a classicist, I always mention my fondness for classic rock. Works like a charm.
NICE, which bands? I’ve found that mentioning stuff from the outside world often stymies them.
So, I’m guessing, “The Joy Luck Club” would also be a no-no in Classics conversation? Oh my, did I love this, and I didn’t even understand half of it. You are brilliant, ex-pro.
One complaint, though — you’ve killed my Indiana Jones fantasies. I’ve been waiting to write messages on my eyelids and blink at a sweaty, bespectacled arch educator all my life. Thanks, WoPro. Thanks.
I now, oddly, feel the need to learn another language.
Stop, I’m blushing. Truth be told, my collaborator helped me edit this one; that, if anything, makes the writing brilliant. I always found learning other languages rewarding, but I know this is an odd hobby.
If it helps, there are plenty of archeologists who think they’re Indy, and plenty of British scholars who will be arch, sweaty, and bespecctacled while macking on you. Just say the word….
If the APA is “high alcohol, low breakage,” then I wonder what the MLA is … especially now that it is in LA and the job market is at desperate levels.
It’s even more fun to imagine the scale that hospitality experts might use to rank that sort of thing: The Neil-Lee Scale, in honor of Motley Crue? Or even more old-school, like The Jagger-Richards Scale?
I love it! Jagger-Richards would indicate a genteel, stylish kind of breakage, while Neil-Lee would involve more vomit. It makes sense, really, since the hotels have to prepare. Enjoying your posts on the MLA, by the way. I’ve never had to go, so reading about it as ethnographic study all its own.
If I had half the ethnographic wit you do, I’d do this for medievalists. Scratch a medievalist of whatever age or gender, and you will find one of two things: a stuffy, tweedy old white dude (that’s me) or a ren-faire nerd. Both insufferably defensive and unable to communicate with normal people in our own sweet way.
I have heard this from some medievalists I know, one of whom was working on her very own Stevie Nicks wardrobe by her own confession. But you seem able to communicate, so this is a good thing, right? And you cannot possibly be too stuffy if you like Buffy — wah, I just rhymed, I’m going to stop now.
1) You forgot the knitters.
2) I would teach Catullus and the Pro Caelio to my intermediate Latin class instead of Virgil. It was frowned upon… I miss my Roman women class.
Knitters? I never saw them! Was this a secret club somewhere??
Yes, I know some people brave enough to stand up to the canon an teach Catullus (or Ovid, my beloved Ovid!) but funny how Vergil still exercises his awful thrall…in the long epochs of history he has risen and fallen many times and I hope to see Ovid supplant him for a while before I die.
If you miss your Roman women class, find a way to tell people about your subject! Blogging, lecturing, cartooning, whatever. Leaving the field doesn’t mean losing the knowledge or the desire to share it.
Speaking as a Classicist, I just have to throw it out there for the non-Classicists: It’s all true. ALL TRUE.
Thanks for the vote of confidence!
Surely enough time has gone by that some classicists will admit to a fondness for classic rock? Y’know 60 year old men playing 40 year old music?
It’s not so much a time issue as a class issue, I think. There of plenty of Brahmin-blooded profs who have, perhaps, never actually heard AC/DC and plenty of poseurs who’d like to pretend they didn’t grow up listening to it. Particularly unfortunate given the band’s fond adaptation of the morituri te salutant cry…
As an Egyptologist (with an undergrad in Classical Archaeology to boot), I immensely enjoyed this ‘rant’! So, SO true on so many levels…
Thanks for the hearty laugh!
You’re very welcome, I aim to entertain.
Score! It is funny (and sad) because it is true. BUT I have hope for the future because, as I was just informed an hour ago by someone on the ground at the APA, the long awaited and now out classtrad essay collection ‘Classics and Comics’ flew off the shelf. That has to say something (positive) about the state of things.
I agree there’s some positive change. The paper titles indicated a growing engagement with pop culture and interest in collaborative work, both good things. I’m still skeptical for the class reasons I mentioned above; it’s one thing to deign to analyze pop culture and pretend you’re doing it out of ‘scientific’ nobless oblige, another to admit it’s something you actively engage with because you (gasp!) like it, or at least grew up with it.
not related to your entry, but i would love to read your insights/comments on this: http://on.wsj.com/fuXYWG
what do u think??? is this even healthy? can this also symbolize phd grad students in relations to their advisers? phd dreamers always seeking and wanting praises, approvals … etc. you can even write a whole entry on this … but of course, im asking for anything from you!
I hate to be all classical but I think there’s always something to be said for a happy medium. Pinning a kid’s self-esteem on getting all A’s is just as bad for them as always giving them A’s when they don’t deserve it. And I believe in rigor, and practice, but failure is simply going to be part of life…as is having the ability to make choices for yourself at some point. But yeah, I think there’s definitely a parallel and a lot of advisors would use the same reasoning that the Chinese mother does: sadism = rigor = ultimately better for you in the end. Though, not having been raised that way or having the ‘right’ attitude in grad school, I find it hard to guess what’s going through the PhD students’ heads…
wow — that china mom article really has gone viral! As a parent myself, I couldn’t do it and though there is a prevailing ‘push’ attitude in grad school the line between academic rigor and perverse sadism is uncomfortably thin. And in that similarly unfair and unbalance power structure students don’t have much recourse (which is one reason I applaud rate my prof).
I commented yesterday but this inscrutable interweb beast ate my post. In the interest of full disclosure I contributed to the ‘Classics and Comics’ volume and though I can’t speak for others, I had great fun and I think the editors had a sincere investment in the project. That said, it is still fairly scholarly and imagine it will only be of interest to the geekiest of classics geeks and few of the sniffy old farts. And it is only one book among what 300? 500? that come out every year. The Transvestite Achilles, there was another good one.
I think the real problem is equating ‘academic’ performance (including music etc.) with a kid’s entire worth as a human being. Stern rigor is best used to produce general competence and good citizenship (show up on time, do what you’re asked, don’t whine) and to instill basic math/writing skills — that part isn’t fun, it’s never going to be fun, and it’s just going to require rote memorization whether you like it or not. But it’s quite unrealistic to think that these ‘all A’ students are all going to turn into concert pianists or Nobel-prize winning physicists anyway, so why not place some value on being a decent and kind person in the world?
The book sounds good, and I know there are some classicists who are fun and creative; there just seem to be many more who are living in the 19th century. Though I see some positive changes, there weren’t enough to convince me to stay as I don’t believe it’s possible for change to come from the inside…obviously.
I don’t even know you, but I totally love you! Thank you for telling it like it is. Although I have to wonder if you’ve been reading my journal….
I suspect there are more of us than anybody knows…from your tag I gather you’re a fellow Ovid fan. Keeping spreading the word about how awesome he is!
the knitters…yes, I remember that. Finding a quiet corner and knitting a purple hat was about the only way I survived my last APA (what, 10 years ago?). That and attending some cool talk about TACO!!! and Latin linguistics. Certainly not classic rock, but at least we’re getting there.
I missed out on this somehow. There weren’t many knitters in my grad program or my dept. so maybe I just didn’t have the ‘in’? Because yes, I could see how it would be soothing in that pit of madness…
The title of this post made me snigger. I am soooo going to recycle it!
I think classicism would be better summarized as this:
A bunch of people who study usually 2 dead indo-european languages and think they are better than other people just because they do so, which is a great perversion of the wisdom of their material, BY THE WAY. They are occidento-centric and ethnocentric and eurocentric and narcissicistic. And if you break their ranks from within the fold they don’t like you. And if you dont want to become a professor which is a lottery shot at best and impossible probably if youre a free-thinker, they give you NOTHING except a huge debt for their usually ridiculously bad teaching/ WHICH///has no claim to their subject matter. Stay away, better yet shut down their philologic association today. AND they got this way because being an academic, and like all our academics they need reform and perhaps aolishment, they are tyrants because they have been allowed to continue in a perverted study of a foreign culture and have been generally enabled to remain in ours by the perverted academic system which mor eor less works as a SHELTER FROM REALITY………OF ANY KIND. PLEASE STUDY MANY LANGUAGES, SOME NOT INDOEUROPEAN PLEASE< EVEN IF THEY ARE YOUR FAVORITES,,,,,,
Divorced from any reality they dont know the contents of their own library, only care about the dumb articles they work on for philology journals, AND they snicker at the most profound passages in Euripides and speak of harry potter!
UGH…And if they are not like that theya re dust covered and withdrawing into their sheltered non-verse. You thinbk they ancient greeks lived like them??? NO way!!! And they dont show a shred of decency anyway…anyway. AND THEIR translations are usually stiff and hidebound as themselves. Someday they will be replaced, I suppose I was ahead of my time. If only we had to read many books, for God sake: learn Modern Hebrew Sanskrit Pali Modern Greek Persian Tamil Russian, AND SCREW THE F”ING 19th century German and English classicists. screw them. screw the germano-centrism of the classics. NO ONE CARES EXCEPT FOR THEIR BRAINWASHED SYCOPHANTS!!!!! Woah…sorry if I sound a bit over the top, but, I have my reasons. We cant just have a society of scholars, you know. Its just people think they hav to be one in our society, and outside their “RANKS” which is itself a sinful thought of it as ranks, or legions, its hard to use this knowledge to live economically. So people think they have to be in academia, its very bad considering the state of the humanities studies IN GENERAL not just classics. I wouldnt want to be a philosophy major. You think Plato would think the world were reduceable to truth and false theorems. No. His “forms” were much more profound.
I object to saying I translate ancient greek as unsexiest thing ever. I translate it and it has nothing to do with being sexy or not.
In fact greek has made me think about sex a lot more than I think I should.
Its a lot mor eprofund than that.
AND>>>>Except for what peopel dared, in my presence, to call (american-(IZED)) classical greek courses, I TAUGHT MY SELF.
welp the good thing is I wouldnt have had the opportunity to live so much stuck in a classroom so maybe there’s one thing that I should be happy about: That they made me disinterested in the entire thing, by their actions. And I was free to go and yes, LEARN OTHER THINGS Which they dont know about. Yet its not like I really care what somebody knows, anyway.
The one thing this article was lacking was a sense of being condescension to those supposedly uppity snotty academics. Do you have any room left to throw in another nasty comment about that omg UNBEARABLE wardrobe those adjuncts threw together on their salary? Jesus.
Also, I haven’t bothered to look up where you taught, but this wasn’t the experience of my female academic friends at other institutions in the slightest.
More power to you for getting your career started, but I have never met anyone so incredibly condescending of another field before.
Really? Try philsophy and poly sci, that should do ya.
Although another comment may not seem appropo”chuckle”…I think the strength of the article is that she is condescending. More power to her, where it is deserved. A discpline or field isnt merely, a single whole that has its own rules, as surruh above me sudgests. something like greek classics is universal, a provenance of the world, not unlike you can be a botanist without working at a college with a biology phd. And I think the people of this fien nation who arent so fortunate should repossess some of these subjects out of the tyrrany of such expets, as universal ones. And 2nd, I think shes too stereotypical, although obviously encouraged by real life. As fellow classics student I soon realized unlike her, that these people werent worth wasting your time around, and its too bad they cluster in certain areas. and shes right the rpivate sector wouldnt allow such things ever, but the private sector has its own bs. (it ican im sure).