Worst Professor Ever

This post originally appeared on my humor blog, Risatrix. I’ve made a few changes, and it’s probably even more grinchy than it was in its first incarnation. But if you want to you know how I’ll be spending Christmas, this is a fair representation of my weekend plans.

Ah, it’s Christmas, and time for every network in America to start its annual run of sappiness. Ugh. And don’t even get me started on It’s A Wonderful Life. I’m incredibly happy to have left my cold, gray home state, and here’s that damned movie telling me an Explorer pin is better than the real deal? Aw, hells no.

To me, a good Christmas movie is one that lets me know I’m not the only one rooting for the Grinch. This list isn’t about loving Christmas, nor is it limited to movies, because there weren’t enough I liked. It’s about entertaining me, a self-confessed curmudgeon and misanthrope.

10. Love, Actually

I admit I was very much on the fence about this one, because it’s incredibly guilty of promoting the holiday sentimentality I so despise. I’m including it for one reason and one reason only: Bill Nighy as the rock star Billy Mack, who has to admit he loves (platonically) his long-suffering manager Joe (Gregor Fisher) when they spend Christmas together.

That story almost makes up for the rest of the movie, which is basically a collection of rom-coms — except for Harry (Alan Rickman) and Karen (Emma Thompson), whose rocky marriage is one the best-written and acted mid-life crises on the screen. So there’s that: some realistic pain mixed in with all the stupid romance. Watch at your own risk.

9. TIE: A Very Sunny Christmas; Futurama, ‘Xmas Story’

The Sunny Christmas special is one of the few things that makes me feel like a holly jolly soul. The mom-sleeping-with-Santa trope (also found in 30 Rock) is at its least classy here. And while I don’t get into the cute kids for their own sake, the producers did a bang-up job finding little versions of the current cast – right down to Mac’s trademark hair. And of course, messed up riffs on Dickens and the classic Rudolph animation. If you think throwing rocks at trains is a good holiday tradition, this special is for you!

As for Futurama, what would Christmas be without a dystopian urban myth about where Xmas came from? Also, it has evil robot Santa. ‘Nuff said.

 

9. Home for the Holidays

A lot of people bitched and moaned about this one when it came out in 1995. Some thought it was too precious; some thought it was too bitter to be a real holiday film. But give this ahead-of-its-time movie some credit. It was trying to take on sentimental family crap before that became cool, so we can forgive it a few sitcom-y elements. Also, it’s Jodie Foster’s directoral debut and it’s got a fantastic cast. Anne Bancroft and Charles Durning as the parents! Holly Hunter, Robert Downey Jr., and Cynthia Stevenson as the believably messed-up siblings! And who can forget Aunt Glad (that’s Geraldine Chaplin, Charlie’s daughter!) and her uncomfortable speech at dinner?

8. Elf

This one has a few too many kids for my taste. But after being forced to see it, I had to admit it was funny and (more importantly) ironic enough not to be vomit-inducing. So it makes the list. Zooey Deschanel’s voice is sublime throughout, and who knew there could be such great chemistry between that lovely lady and Will Ferrell? Also, James Caan makes an awesome Grinch-like father.

7. Family Guy, ‘A Very Special Family Guy Freakin’ Christmas’

Of course I had to put some FG here. But it’s not just out of obligation. I love it when Stewie’s Christmas pageant performance turns into a philsophical speculation on the inherent evil of human nature. And the fish attack. And the ‘Kiss Saves Santa’ special. But most of all, I love Lois’s rant when it all falls apart: ‘You think Christmas just happens? It falls out of my holly jolly butt!’

6. Just Friends

This is IMHO the sweetest movie on my list – but that’s okay, because the sentiment is built right into the genre! So, just to be clear, if you hate rom-coms, this is not going to be an exception. On the other hand, if you hate rom-coms — let me guess, you find them  ”unbelievable” and “predictable” —  you should by all rights hate pretty much every Christmas movie, so I’ll assume we’re okay here.

Like Home for the Holidays, the movie plays on the fact that you can’t escape where you came from, nor can you avoid acting like a five-year-old around your family — but unlike Home for the Holidays it revels in a few more ‘awww’ moments, without apology. It doesn’t hurt that Ryan Reynolds is willing to wear a retainer, fat suit, and crappy sweater, the better to look nerdy, and that Chris Klein plays a horrible person. Good writing and a likable cast make this a lot better than your average rom com. There’s sassy Amy Smart, Anna Faris playing a psycho variant on her usual ditz, and they even got Airplane’s Julie Haggerty to play the ditzy mom. Awwww.

5. TIE: M*A*S*H, any holiday episode; Will and Grace, ‘Jingle Balls’

Say what you want about M*A*S*H, but it had good writing. There are also plenty of holiday episodes to choose from. “Dear Dad” and “Dear Sis” are straightforward episodes set during Christmas. You can try “Death Takes a Holiday” if you’re craving that special 4077 brand of maudlin, or “Twas the Day After Christmas” if you want something a little more fun.

I could have chosen the Will and Grace episode where Will, Grace, Karen, and Jack have to go to four Thanksgivings. It’s an early predecessor to Four Christmases, and let’s be honest, that conceit is only good for a half hour. That episode also has the wonderful Blythe Danner. But ‘Jingle Balls’ has Parker Posey as horrible store manager Dorleen. And it mocks those (like Will’s new boyfriend) who are just too into the holiday spirit. It’s also good fun when Grace puts up a Christmas window display to save Jack’s butt, and he of course attributes it to Santa. But it’s Dorleen’s comment about the window that makes the episode for me: “It’s dark, it’s sad, it’s glam — it’s Christmas.”

3. Scrooged

I don’t think I need to say much about this update of  Dickens’ Christmas Carol. I mean, it’s got Bill Murray in it. And it’s kind of a paean to 80′s corporate greed in its own right. And you’ve probably already seen it, and it’s on a lot if you have cable, so really you just need to not switch if off.

 

2. Trading Places

Moving into the realm of thouroughly grown-up movies, this chestnut holds up well. Elmer Bernstein did the music, giving it an impressively classy feel for a movie about bums and hookers. Dan Akroyd’s drunk Santa had to an inspiration for Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa. Jamie Lee Curtis owns the ‘hooker with a heart of gold’ role — Julia Roberts should weep with shame when she watches Curtis’s performance. This movie captures the pre-sappy eighties better than any other, and there’s even a little cameo by now-Senator Al Franken at the end.

1. Bad Santa

C’mon, you had to know that this was gonna be my favorite. When I saw this movie for the first time, I knew I wasn’t alone in the world. I fangirled out on the writers at film conference, and told them what I’ll tell you: this movie has gotten a lot people I know through some bad times. What more can anyone ask for on Christmas?

Myself, I think it’s fitting that John Ritter’s last performance was here, and the late Bernie Mac also gives it his best; and if you only know Lauren Graham from Gilmore Girls you’ll either be pleasantly surprised or horrified. Also, this film’s use of music deserves an award in and of itself; its classical themes, especially, are used in wonderful counterpoint to what’s going on. Just be warned, though: if you love Christmas, you will probably hate this movie.